The Start Over

Well whoever said change is good or starting over is great was completely wrong! Don’t get me wrong, change is good in certain   Areas. But completely starting life over when your totally unprepared mentally and physically is actually very draining. And can be an emotional experience.

I started over with nothing saved or accumulated. I was thankful for the new apartment I was in at the time, but it never felt like home. It felt stale, dull,unloved. I literally didn’t have a pot to piss in and a window to throw it out of but I had a roof over my head. I knew stability would come again. But at that point it felt like everything was a mess. It was embarrassing to mention that I was going thru a divorce and forbidden to go back to my home that I dwelled in for 7 years. And it’s such a true statement of being careful what you pray for. So many of us claim to be unhappy or wanting to move on or wanting a divorce or a separation, and the moment that may happen we are left standing with no where to turn.

I quickly had to assess my finances and see what was needed and what wasn’t. I owned a newer Nissan Murano that I was a year and a half shy from having it completely payed off. I quickly had to trade that in due to seeing that it was no way in the world I could keep up with the payments now being completely on my own. Don’t get me wrong I contributed as well to family finances. But, it’s a total different avenue of having 2 combined income’s and then immediately going down to 1 income. Keeping in mind that everything happened so fast.  I was starting to see what single life was about and what it was actually like to be a single mom.

Every step I made during that process was such a big wake up call. But it was a humbling experience every step of the way. We quickly get use to a certain life style that we may have and sometimes forget how at any second that so called comfortable life style could be gone. I went from a nice luxury home to a tiny studio apartment in a matter of weeks. Nice luxury car, to a smaller mid size vehicle, but hey it was brand new and reliable. Went from a furnished house and having everything you could possible want and need, to a empty home with nothing in it and just being thankful for whatever people offered to give me

I went from pulling into a garage for a number of years  to immediately parking on a street and half the time parking a block down. Nothing wrong with that, but talk about a wake up call for me. Going thru winter and carrying a sleeping toddler down the street at 9pm at night with bags of groceries was the absolute worst at times. But I told myself that it’s thousands of other people who do this day in and day out. This is the least of my battle, you can do it girl! Hey, at least now you have a roof over your head!

All of these feelings and emotions would hit me everyday and every night I would look at the ceiling thinking ” Is this my life? How did I get here?”  But not once did I ever feel sorry for myself. As difficult as it was to become stable again, because we all long for stability and a since of accomplishment, I felt very proud of myself. Sometimes you really have to step back and count the blessing’s you do have. I was thankful I had a stable great job, I was thankful I still had a way to still provide for myself and for my son. As tough as it was and as much as it overall sucked I still had hope. I was thankful I had 2 feet to put in front of the other and keep pushing forward. I was thankful I had the cutest little boy to keep me going. We might not of had much, or anything at that time lol but we certainly had each other. And overall I was thankful to have my loving God with me day in and day out. His loving direction and Holy Spirit kept me strong when I didn’t even think I could be strong myself. Because let me tell you I was scared….and lost. I didn’t know if I would ever feel whole again. I didn’t know if I ever would feel complete with a home again. Every mom wants to have that complete feeling for her home and family, and as thankful as I was for that particular home it just didn’t feel complete. It felt like it was rushed and hurried. So I knew that everything would just take time.  And this whole adjustment of starting over and re-building would take time,patience and prayer.

It also takes changing our mindset too. I still try to correct my mindset daily with how I view things of life and my attitude. I try to be so thankful for everything I receive. It really is a true statement that you receive what you put out. And it’s been so many good people to me. I’ve met complete strangers who have been so loving to my son and I and who have embraced us as family. I’ve received kind and uplifting words from people on a daily basis who were going thru the same things in life. I’ve had a few great friends who have stuck by my side and have been absolutely amazing. I’ve had my family, my dad and my brother Marcus and wonderful sister in law Delorian by my side. As well as my brother Anthony and sister Nikki. I’ve kept all these special ones dear to me who have been my crutch amongst this total life change.  Its a true statement of faking it till you make it. Because I told myself day in and day out that I’m still determined to be happy and to keep my shine about myself. I told myself that so much that I literally wake up each day happy and ready to go! And I know that’s God’s doing. So yes whatever trials and tribulations we have we can certainly press forward and come out triumphantly. Gifts do not have to be received in actual presents. It’s a gift to have peace of mind, it’s a gift to have inner satisfaction, it’s a gift to know that you are doing the best you can do and being happy with yourself. Those are all gifts to be thankful for everyday! And please don’t let anybody rob you of that!

So yes even though earlier I mentioned that starting over sucks (which it does still ) 😊 I turned this starting over point for it to become the best moment ever of my life. To build how I want to build. To go about life the way I want to go about it. And to hopefully have nothing ever taken away from me again. This time I get to choose how I will do it. I remind myself that in time I will have everything I need. And I’m already winning because I still have just what I need to get by. I have a big heart and a beautiful soul. I have a boy who loves me and a home that him and I are establishing and making it our own together. I have transportation and a career. I’ll be just alright, starting over or not.

 

 

 

 

 

 

2 thoughts on “The Start Over

  1. Anthony Miller says:

    Very nice Jamilah :)…you have gained a lot of wisdom through trials and tribulations…I’m extremely proud of you for not caving in when you faced adversity but fighting for what you needed and want for you and SJ!…to change your reality you must first change your mentality and you did that…I’m so proud of you….Dad

    Liked by 1 person

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