Believe it or not I still wake up everyday and say to myself, where am I? Am I really divorced? Am I really in an entirely different home with no one here but myself? Am I really sharing days that I see my son now with his father? Reality hits me with every stride that I take. I’ve finally come to the acceptance that, yes I am here, yes I am laying the foundation for myself now. Yes you are alone at moments but not alone with God.
Going Back In Time
At the time of my marriage, my ex husband and I shared a nice home together, both had our own vehicles and in the later years of our marriage we had purchased rental property together. We certainly felt we were successful financially. Had our moments of struggle but overall we both maintained great jobs and maintained our finances very well together. He managed all of the bills for us. Everything down to our grocery and gas money. We shared a joint account, and things were just easier that way, with him managing our funds.
I guess I had become to accustomed to him managing everything that I never really had to much of an interest to see what he was paying. Never really endulged in seeing how much he put here and how much he put there. I now see that I should’ve been more in tuned in that area. It’s never a good thing to go about life completely oblivious to things even if it works for you a certain way. Always stay in the know.
We had moments of discussion where there was unhappiness in our marriage. We would talk about it, but somehow those matters kind of got pushed to the back burner, or at least that’s how it felt to me.
We both shared the same faith and religion. I often felt very overwhelmed at times with trying to maintain our household and trying to keep up with our religious obligations as well. We tried to maintain a daily and weekly spiritual routine for our household. It was required to have your daily personal study, along with a weekly family study. Then we still had our meeting attendance which was required one evening during the week, then we had our Saturday ministry, where we would preach to others in their neighbors and then we had our Sunday service, which required preparation for beforehand as well. So as you can see it is a lot to keep up with spiritually. On top of being a full time wife and mommy and full time worker and maintaining our home full time….pheeeewwww busy right. I recal many conversations we would have of me often expressing how I felt “burned out”. We did have discussions about me going part time , but honestly at the times that I often mentioned how I felt, it seemed like me becoming part time just wasn’t happening fast enough. I often wondered ” Is it me? Am I the only one feeling this burned out and feeling like I can’t keep up”. Because naturally we see people around us who are doing it and we think to ourselves how the heck can they keep up with all that? And Im over here feeling like a mouse trying to get out of a deep bowl, just drowning.
At times I would express to my ex husband that I really didn’t think I could maintain our spiritual schedule and still maintain the things I normally would at home as well. He would listen and offer suggestions on what we could do to help or fix the load I felt at times, but it always seemed like a circle. Those same overwhelming feelings always seemed to resurface again and again. He himself had a load on his shoulders as well. He helped provide for our household and he held a major role in our Christian congregation as well. He was appointed as an elder for our congregation. And being an elder came with great responsibilities. The elder had to have strong control over his home and spiritual routine as well. Weekly spiritual talks had to be prepared. An elder was also required to be in attendance for the weekly field ministry on Saturday’s as well and his family was to be present with him as much as they could. And lastly of many responsibilities appointed elders had to conduct and be available for weekly home visits to others in the Christian congregation, those who may of needed some kind of help spiritually or if they were having problemes in their household. An elder would be there to help and direct with many of these things. So, with all of that being said, a lot of the feelings I had I often tried my best to hold them in or to fight thru them due to not wanting to overwhelm my husband even more than what was already on his plate.
I literally feel as though one day I woke up and bam, here I am looking at the ceiling in a tiny apartment wondering “how did I get here”. At the time of our separation things happened unbelievably fast. One day I was living in my 2000 sq ft home to being back in my parents spare bedroom. Yes, that fast. I was unable to access my home and was literally forced to stay with my parents at the time of us splitting. Embarrassing right. Funds were immediately gone and everything had changed in the blink of an eye. I was given my belongings, such as clothing and shoes in pieces. Bags were given to me here and there. All of the things I established in my home over a period of 7 years was immediately removed from me.
I believe this was certainly the worst period in my life. How can a woman who had her ish together now be living out of garbage bags and a truck filled with items that I didn’t know where to put them? My parents allowed me to stay with them, but I told myself it was no way I could be content with staying here for good. Of course mom at the time mentions ” oh you can stay here as long as you need” but it was no way I could find myself being that comfortable to live in my own bedroom again, especially having a 3 year old. Thanks, but no thanks. And it never fails that no matter how old you are, living back home, with your parents is certainly a way to control you. For them over time to get comfortable asking you “where are you going”” how are you managing your finances”, for you to start getting the deep uncomfortable awkward stares of when you enter and leave the house and the silent whispers of what’s going on with your marriage conversations.
So as thankful as I was to have a place to stay, as hard as it was without having immediate finances available, I prayed about it and quickly found a very small 2 bedroom apartment for my baby and I. And at that very time it was the best feeling in the world! I felt like every one had a home and now I finally found a home for my baby and I. Now I could wrap my hands around the chaos that was going on because I had a place to stay. Thank you dear God. I certainly didn’t have a pot to piss in as I laugh to myself right now. I literally moved in with the clothes on my back and the belongings I was accumulating back in increments. I didn’t have a garbage can, a towel or wash cloth, furniture, or even eating or drinking utensils. I kept thinking how did I go from a fully furnished home of many years with everything inside to now sleeping on a blow up mattress for 6 weeks . But you know what at that moment in time I didn’t care. As much as my heart was aching and I know his was too, I had a home. And I got it all by myself 😊